Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Funniest Passages Unveiled

Here they are, the excerpts you submitted as the funniest passages in children's literature.

Also, feel free to add to this list in the comments. At any time. I've put a link in the sidebar to this post.

Still to come - the Most Memorable passages from children's literature.

When you're done here, you can also take a look at the Most Poetic Passages from children's literature and the Most Memorable Passages from children's literature.

FUNNIEST PASSAGES:

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A liar may have her story straight, but if she can't control her face, she'll be as easy to spot as a soap opera star in a Shakespeare play.

~Kiki Strike by Kirsten Miller

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"Anne Shirley, what have you done to your hair? Why, it's GREEN!"

Green it might be called, if it were any earthly color--a queer, dull, bronzy green, with streaks here and there of the original red to heighten the ghastly effect. Never in all her life had Marilla seen anything so grotesque as Anne's hair at that moment.

"Yes, it's green," moaned Anne. "I thought nothing could be as bad as red hair. But now I know it's ten times worse to have green hair. Oh, Marilla, you little know how utterly wretched I am."

~Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery

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"And you would hug the devil if he gave you cookies." - Sabrina to her younger sister Daphne

~The Sisters Grimm #1: The Fairy Tale Detectives by Michael Buckley

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"A bunny!" Daphne cried, as she knelt down to pet it. "I love him!"The rabbit snapped at her finger and let out a horrible, angry hiss."An evil bunny," the little girl said, yanking her finger away.

~The Sisters Grimm #2: The Unusual Suspects by Michael Buckley

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" . . . I'm a seven-year-old girl," Daphne said. "Do you know how important bunny rabbits are to me?"

~The Sisters Grimm #2: The Unusual Suspects by Michael Buckley

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Salt. Wound. Together at last.

~13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson

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What setting did you use to wash your octopus?

~13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson

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I forgive you, busy man about town with the sharp elbows.

~Rebel Angels by Libba Bray

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"Nice horsie," said Batty hopefully.

~The Penderwicks: A Summer Tale of Four Sisters, Two Rabbits, and a Very Interesting Boy by Jeanne Birdsall

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Batty knew this was no horse. She suddenly knew lots of things she hadn't known a minute ago...
~The Penderwicks: A Summer Tale of Four Sisters, Two Rabbits, and a Very Interesting Boy by Jeanne Birdsall

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Poor bull. He had simply wanted to quietly munch daisies in the sunshine, and now his private paradise was full of active and extremely noisy creatures.

~The Penderwicks: A Summer Tale of Four Sisters, Two Rabbits, and a Very Interesting Boy by Jeanne Birdsall

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He's so emo he's practically a Muppet .

~Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan

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I put them all on my list of those needing paper cuts.

~Circle the Soul Softly by Davida Wills Hurwin

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"Some people name their guinea pigs, I name my ax - big whoop.”

~Amazing Grace by Megan Shull

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Another bad day that was dreamed up by Satan when he was in a REALLY bad mood.

~Planet Janet in Orbit by Dyan Sheldon

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It's like I'm a crow, drawn to shiny things.

~The Principles of Love by Emily Franklin

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Monkeys, you couldn't have stepped in here to at least make me say something clever? Monkeys? Hello?

~Bad Kitty by Michele Jaffe

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Well, look at that. The monkeys were back and channeling Noir films of 1940s.

~Bad Kitty by Michele Jaffe

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"My inner raccoon likes the shiny thing," he said while looking apologetic.

~The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

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"He's going to need a car for my plan. It doesn't have to be a really good car."

~The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

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After the nachos he felt much better about the whole thing and made up songs about silverware (a tune called "My Name is Spoony McForkenknife" was her favorite) as he did his side work.

~The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

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"There are four of us," he said. "We operate in secret, under a cloak of darkness."

~The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

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"We have a lot in common. You breathe air. I breathe air. You're the gorgeous and super-talented head of student counsel. I look like I'm twelve and I'm part of a secret society that changes the letters in signs. Or a sign. You're going to Stanford. I might get into SUNY Purchase. I think it could work."

~The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

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"What page of the script are you on?" Parker asked. "I think I just walked into a very special episode of Seventh Heaven."

~The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

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"If you can do that, then I'll do anything you want, because that means you have magical powers."

~The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

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"I dare you to make Mel stop OCDing around the room."

~The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

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Alice did not wish to offend the Dormouse again, so she began very cautiously: "But I don't understand. Where did they draw the treacle from?"

"You can draw water out of a water-well," said the Hatter; "so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle-well -- eh, stupid?"

~Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

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The book was long, and difficult to read, and Klaus became more and more tired as the night wore on. Occasionally his eyes would close. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over.

~The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket

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"I had a wonderful dream where I sneezed without covering my mouth and nose, and gave everyone germs!"

~The Slippery Slope by Lemony Snicket

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If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.

~The Wide Window by Lemony Snicket

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“Everything went right until I saw Marilla coming with the plum pudding in one hand and the pitcher of pudding sauce WARMED UP, in the other. Diana, that was a terrible moment. I remembered everything and I just stood up in my place and shrieked out `Marilla, you mustn't use that pudding sauce. There was a mouse drowned in it. I forgot to tell you before.'”

~Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery

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I am a bachelorette. A bachelorette is when your boyfriend named Ricardo dumps you at recess.
~Junie B. Jones by Barbara Park

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Chaphesmeeso, who never looked impressed, nearly had to lie down to show how specifically unimpressed he was.

~Clemency Pogue and the Hobgoblin Proxy by J. T. Petty

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The hobgoblins, the girl, and the increasingly impatient fairy watched from behind the bottom half of a door that opened like a scandalous bathing suit, intwo pieces. This being France, the top was open.

~Clemency Pogue and the Hobgoblin Proxy by J. T. Petty

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"I've come to the rescue!" Kenn had proudly whispered, clutching the jar between his knees, and with both hands unscrewing the lid.There was a principle at work here, an equal and opposite reaction for every action. The jar was unscrewed, and Kenn was quite the opposite.

~Clemency Pogue and the Hobgoblin Proxy by J. T. Petty

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She was so full of rapture that she must write it out before she went back from her world of dreams to the world of reality. Once she would have poured it into a letter to her father. She could no longer do that. But on the table before her lay a brand-new Jimmy-book. She pulled it towards her, took up her pen, and on its first virgin page she wrote.

NEW MOON
BLAIR WATER
P.E. ISLAND

October 8th.

I am going to write a dairy, that it may be published when I die.

~Emily of New Moon by L. M. Montgomery

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"Leven Thumps," he said formally, "I am Geth."Leven didn't know if he felt worse being in the stomach of a snake miles underground or being on top of the soil and realizing his future was dependent on a talking toothpick.

~Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo by Obert Skye

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"Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. "Good thinking," said Luna very seriously. "It's often infested with nargles."

~Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling

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"That was funny!"

Her prominent eyes swam with tears as she gasped for breath, staring at Ron. Utterly nonplussed, he looked around at the others, who were now laughing at the expression on Ron's face and at the ludicrously prolonged laughter of Luna Lovegood, who was rocking backwards and forwards, clutching her sides.

"Are you taking the mickey?" said Ron, frowning at her.

"Baboon's … backside!" she choked, holding her ribs.

~Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling

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"I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could have been all killed -- or worse, expelled."

~Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J. K. Rowling

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'Yes,' said Professor Trelawney, nodding impressively, 'it comes, ever closer, it circles overhead like a vulture, ever lower… ever lower over the castle…'

She stared pointedly at Harry, who yawned very widely and obviously.

'It'd be a bit more impressive if she hadn't done it about eighty times before,' Harry said.

~Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J. K. Rowling

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Emily loved The Pilgrim’s Progress. Many a time had she walked the straight and narrow path with Christian and Christiana — although she never liked Christiana’s adventures half as well as Christian’s. For one thing, there was always such a crowd with Christiana. She had not half the fascination of that solid, intrepid figure who faced all alone the shadows of the Dark Valley and the encounter with Apollyon. Darkness and hobgoblins were nothing when you had plenty of company. But to be alone — ah, Emily shivered with the delicious horror of it!

~Emily of New Moon by L. M. Montgomery

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(On being seasick) “If you have any friendship for me at all, you will not even speak to me of swallowing anything.”

~Cecy, The Grand Tour by Patricia C. Wrede and Caroline Stevermer

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I have often thought that if the people who write children’s books knew a little more it would be better. I shall not tell you anything about us except what I should like to know about if I was reading the story and you were writing it. Albert’s uncle says I ought to have put this in the preface, but I never read prefaces, and it is not much good writing things just for people to skip. I wonder other authors have never thought of this.

~The Treasure Seekers by E. Nesbit

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"That's all you know," said Digory. "It's because you're a girl. Girls never want to know anything but gossip and rot about people getting engaged.”

~The Magician’s Nephew by C. S. Lewis

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I do not like the way you slide,
I do not like your soft inside,
I do not like you many ways,
And I could do for many days
Without eggs.

~Bread and Jam for Frances by Russell Hoban

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As he got closer, Charles could see the blob more clearly — saw it was, in fact, a giant frog, normal looking in every way save for the fact that it was about the size of a Shetland pony and sported two enormous multicolored wings growing from its back — oh, and two antennas as well. Other than that, it was a totally normal giant frog.

~Drift House: The First Voyage by Dale Peck

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“Dad!” cried Beulith. “This is crazy!”
“No, it’s not, honey. It’s theater!”

~No Time Like Show Time by Michael Hoeye

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The feeling often comes over me that I am not at all remarkable; it is fun to plan a career, but in all probability, I shan't turn out a bit different from any other ordinary person. I may end by marrying an undertaker and being an inspiration to him in his work.

~Daddy-Long-Legs by Jean Webster

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Aravis immediately began, sitting quite still and using a rather different tone and style from her usual one. For in Calormen, story-telling (whether the stories are real or made up) is a thing you're taught, just as English boys and girls are taught essay-writing. The difference is that people want to hear the stories, whereas I never heard of anyone who wanted to read the essays.

~The Horse and His Boy by C. S. Lewis

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The Herdmans moved from grade to grade through the Woodrow Wilson School like those South American fish that strip your bones clean in three minutes flat...which was just about what they did to one teacher after another.

~The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson

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It had never occured to Coraline that the crazy old man upstairs actually had a name, she realized. If she'd known his name was Mr. Bobo she would have said it every chance she got. How often do you get to say a name like "Mr. Bobo" aloud?

~Coraline by Neil Gaiman

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Ferry Port Landing Asylum Patient List--1955

The Mad Hatter--diagnosis: schizophrenia
Chicken Little--diagnosis: panic attacks
Hansel--diagnosis: eating disorder (outpatient)
The White Rabbit--diagnosis: OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder; outpatient)
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe--diagnosis: exhaustion (outpatient)
Ichabod Crane--diagnosis: night terrors (outpatient)
Little Red Riding Hood--diagnosis: psychosis with delusions and hallucinations, homicidal tendencies

~The Sisters Grimm: The Problem Child by Michael Buckley

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There we were, packed in a black tunnel - with a herd of bullies, one lantern, and a cave cricket who couldn't help lying.

~Horns and Wrinkles by Joseph Helgerson

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If Marilla had said that Matthew had gone to Bright River to meet a kangaroo from Australia Mrs. Rachel could not have been more astonished.

~Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery

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Anne sat up, tragedy personified."Mrs. Lynde was up to see Mrs. Barry today and Mrs. Barry was in an awful state," she wailed. "She says that I set Diana DRUNK Saturday and sent her home in a disgraceful condition. And she says I must be a thoroughly bad, wicked little girl and she's never, never going to let Diana play with me again. Oh, Marilla, I'm just overcome with woe."

~Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery

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"How dare you say such things about me?" she repeated vehemently. "How would you like to have such things said about you? How would you like to be told that you are fat and clumsy and probably hadn't a spark of imagination in you? I don't care if I do hurt your feelings by saying so! I hope I hurt them. You have hurt mine worse than they were ever hurt before even by Mrs. Thomas' intoxicated husband. And I'll NEVER forgive you for it, never, never!"

~Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery

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She was in a jug for the moment, and liking it extremely; she had never been in a jug before.

~Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie

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"Could those of us who aren't psychic at least get some subtitles?"

~Blue Noon by Scott Westerfeld

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"I do solemnly swear I am up to no good."

~Harry Potter and the Prisoner Of Azkaban by J. K. Rowling

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2 comments:

MotherReader said...

Oh, that was fun to read.

runart said...

Nancy, you are priceless. This is so great to read all in one place. Thanks so much.