Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Funniest Passages in Children's Literature

Go here to see the submissions for funniest passages.

You can submit more of your funniest passages in the comments to this post.


Erin said...

A liar may have her story straight, but if she can't control her face, she'll be as easy to spot as a soap opera star in a Shakespeare play.
~Kiki Strike by Kirsten Miller

featherbee said...

"Anne Shirley, what have you done to your hair? Why, it's GREEN!"

Green it might be called, if it were any earthly color--a queer, dull, bronzy green, with streaks here and there of the original red to heighten the ghastly effect. Never in all her life had Marilla seen anything so grotesque as Anne's hair at that moment.

"Yes, it's green," moaned Anne. "I thought nothing could be as bad as red hair. But now I know it's ten times worse to have green hair. Oh, Marilla, you little know how utterly wretched I am."

Ok, not so funny to poor Anne, but it always struck me as very amusing! From Anne of Green Gables

Little Willow said...

"And you would hug the devil if he gave you cookies." - Sabrina to her younger sister Daphne, The Sisters Grimm #1: The Fairy Tale Detectives by Michael Buckley

Little Willow said...

"A bunny!" Daphne cried, as she knelt down to pet it. "I love him!"
The rabbit snapped at her finger and let out a horrible, angry hiss.
"An evil bunny," the little girl said, yanking her finger away. - The Sisters Grimm #2: The Unusual Suspects by Michael Buckley, Page 159

Little Willow said...

" . . . I'm a seven-year-old girl," Daphne said. "Do you know how important bunny rabbits are to me?" - The Sisters Grimm #2: The Unusual Suspects by Michael Buckley, Page 189

Little Willow said...

Salt. Wound. Together at last. - 13 LITTLE BLUE ENVELOPES by Maureen Johnson

Little Willow said...

What setting did you use to wash your octopus? - 13 LITTLE BLUE ENVELOPES by Maureen Johnson

Little Willow said...

I forgive you, busy man about town with the sharp elbows. - Rebel Angels by Libba Bray

Little Willow said...

Three entries from THE PENDERWICKS: A Summer Tale of Four Sisters, Two Rabbits, and a Very Interesting Boy by Jeanne Birdsall

"Nice horsie," said Batty hopefully. - Page 57

Batty knew this was no horse. She suddenly knew lots of things she hadn't known a minute ago... - Page 58

Poor bull. He had simply wanted to quietly munch daisies in the sunshine, and now his private paradise was full of active and extremely noisy creatures. - Page 60

Little Willow said...

(H)e's so emo he's practically a Muppet - Norah, Page 34, NICK & NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan

Little Willow said...

CIRCLE THE SOUL SOFTLY by Davida Wills Hurwin

I put them all on my list of those needing paper cuts. - Page 4

Little Willow said...

"Some people name their guinea pigs, I name my ax - big whoop." - Ava to Grace, Amazing Grace by Megan Shull, Page 94

Little Willow said...

Another bad day that was dreamed up by Satan when he was in a REALLY bad mood. - Planet Janet in Orbit, Page 43

Little Willow said...

It's like I'm a crow, drawn to shiny things. - The Principles of Love by Emily Franklin, Page 9

Little Willow said...

Monkeys, you couldn't have stepped in here to at least make me say something clever? Monkeys? Hello? - Bad Kitty by Michele Jaffe, Page 95

Well, look at that. The monkeys were back and channeling Noir films of 1940s. - Bad Kitty by Michele Jaffe, Page 156

Little Willow said...

THE BERMUDEZ TRIANGLE by Maureen Johnson (An extremely well-written highly quotable book with one of my favorite contemporary characters, Parker)

"My inner raccoon likes the shiny thing," he said while looking apologetic. - Page 130

"He's going to need a car for my plan. It doesn't have to be a really good car." - Page 241

After the nachos he felt much better about the whole thing and made up songs about silverware (a tune called "My Name is Spoony McForkenknife" was her favorite) as he did his side work. - Page 273

"There are four of us," he said. "We operate in secret, under a cloak of darkness." - Page 286

"We have a lot in common. You breathe air. I breathe air. You're the gorgeous and super-talented head of student counsel. I look like I'm twelve and I'm part of a secret society that changes the letters in signs. Or a sign. You're going to Stanford. I might get into SUNY Purchase. I think it could work." - Page 287

"What page of the script are you on?" Parker asked. "I think I just walked into a very special episode of Seventh Heaven." - Page 335

"If you can do that, then I'll do anything you want, because that means you have magical powers." - Page 337

"I dare you to make Mel stop OCDing around the room." - Nina, Page 365

Little Willow said...

Alice did not wish to offend the Dormouse again, so she began very cautiously: "But I don't understand. Where did they draw the treacle from?"

"You can draw water out of a water-well," said the Hatter; "so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle-well -- eh, stupid?"

- Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Erin said...

The book was long, and difficult to read, and Klaus became more and more tired as the night wore on. Occasionally his eyes would close. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over.
~The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket

"I had a wonderful dream where I sneezed without covering my mouth and nose, and gave everyone germs!"
~Lucafont, The Slippery Slope by Lemony Snicket

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.
~The Wide Window by Lemony Snicket

Daisy said...

Everything went right until I saw Marilla coming with the plum pudding in one hand and the pitcher of pudding sauce WARMED UP, in the other. Diana, that was a terrible moment. I remembered everything and I just stood up in my place and shrieked out `Marilla, you mustn't use that pudding sauce. There was a mouse drowned in it. I forgot to tell you before.'
Anne of Green Gables

MotherReader said...

I could list TONS from Junie B. Jones books, but this is one of my favorites:

I am a bachelorette. A bachelorette is when your boyfriend named Ricardo dumps you at recess.

MotherReader said...

From Clemency Pogue and the Hobgoblin Proxy by J.T. Petty:

Chaphesmeeso, who never looked impressed, nearly had to lie down to show how specifically unimpressed he was.

The hobgoblins, the girl, and the increasingly impatient fairy watched from behind the bottom half of a door that opened like a scandalous bathing suit, in
two pieces. This being France, the top was open.

"I've come to the rescue!" Kenn had proudly whispered, clutching the jar between his knewws, and with both hands unscrewing the lid.
There was a principle at work here, an equal and opposite reaction for every action. The jar was unscrewed, and Kenn was quite the opposite.

alvina said...

"She was so full of rapture that she must write it out before she went back from her world of dreams to the world of reality. Once she would have poured it into a letter to her father. She could no longer do that. But on the table before her lay a brand-new Jimmy-book. She pulled it towards her, took up her pen, and on its first virgin page she wrote.

October 8th.

I am going to write a dairy, that it may be published when I die."

-EMILY OF NEW MOON by L.M. Montgomery

Yes, it says "dairy"--which I never ever ever noticed as a child (and who knows, maybe it's a typo! Although I doubt it), and didn't notice until rereading the book a few years ago, and it made me laugh and laugh. Funny how when I was a girl this ending struck me as so...majestic and earnest, and then as an adult you can't help but laugh at poor Emily of New Moon's grandioseness.

Erin said...

"Leven Thumps," he said formally, "I am Geth."

Leven didn't know if he felt worse being in the stomach of a snake miles underground or being on top of the soil and realizing his future was dependent on a talking toothpick.

~Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo by Obert Skye

Erin said...

"Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. "Good thinking," said Luna very seriously. "It's often infested with nargles."
~Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling

"That was funny!"

Her prominent eyes swam with tears as she gasped for breath, staring at Ron. Utterly nonplussed, he looked around at the others, who were now laughing at the expression on Ron's face and at the ludicrously prolonged laughter of Luna Lovegood, who was rocking backwards and forwards, clutching her sides.

"Are you taking the mickey?" said Ron, frowning at her.

"Baboon's … backside!" she choked, holding her ribs.
~Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling

"I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could have been all killed -- or worse, expelled."
~Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J. K. Rowling

'Yes,' said Professor Trelawney, nodding impressively, 'it comes, ever closer, it circles overhead like a vulture, ever lower… ever lower over the castle…'

She stared pointedly at Harry, who yawned very widely and obviously.

'It'd be a bit more impressive if she hadn't done it about eighty times before,' Harry said.
~Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J. K. Rowling

Erin said...

Emily loved The Pilgrim’s Progress. Many a time had she walked the straight and narrow path with Christian and Christiana — although she never liked Christiana’s adventures half as well as Christian’s. For one thing, there was always such a crowd with Christiana. She had not half the fascination of that solid, intrepid figure who faced all alone the shadows of the Dark Valley and the encounter with Apollyon. Darkness and hobgoblins were nothing when you had plenty of company. But to be alone — ah, Emily shivered with the delicious horror of it!
~Emily of New Moon by L. M. Montgomery

(On being seasick)

“If you have any friendship for me at all, you will not even speak to me of swallowing anything.”
~Cecy, The Grand Tour by Patricia C. Wrede and Caroline Stevermer

I have often thought that if the people who write children’s books knew a little more it would be better. I shall not tell you anything about us except what I should like to know about if I was reading the story and you were writing it. Albert’s uncle says I ought to have put this in the preface, but I never read prefaces, and it is not much good writing things just for people to skeip. I wonder other authors have never thought of this.
~The Treasure Seekers by E. Nesbit

"That's all you know," said Digory. "It's because you're a girl. Girls never want to know anything but gossip and rot about people getting engaged.”
~The Magician’s Nephew by C. S. Lewis

“I do not like the way you slide,
I do not like your soft inside,
I do not like you many ways,
And I could do for many days
Without eggs.”
~Bread and Jam for Frances by Russell Hoban

As he got closer, Charles could see the blob more clearly — saw it was, in fact, a giant frog, normal looking in every way save for the fact that it was about the size of a Shetland pony and sported two enormous multicolored wings growing from its back — oh, and two antennas as well. Other than that, it was a totally normal giant frog.
~Drift House: The First Voyage by Dale Peck

“Dad!” cried Beulith. “This is crazy!”

“No, it’s not, honey. It’s theater!”

~No Time Like Show Time by Michael Hoeye

Nancy said...

From Daddy-Long-Legs, by Jean Webster:

The feeling often comes over me that I am not at all remarkable; it is fun to plan a career, but in all probability, I shan't turn out a bit different from any other ordinary person. I may end by marrying an undertaker and being an inspiration to him in his work.

Erin said...

Aravis immediately began, sitting quite still and using a rather different tone and style from her usual one. For in Calormen, story-telling (whether the stories are real or made up) is a thing you're taught, just as English boys and girls are taught essay-writing. The difference is that people want to hear the stories, whereas I never heard of anyone who wanted to read the essays.

~The Horse and His Boy by C. S. Lewis

Nancy said...

Erin, I just read this book for the first time, and that passage did stand out!

Elaine Magliaro said...


"The Herdmans moved from grade to grade through the Woodrow Wilson School like those South American fish that strip your bones clean in three minutes flat...which was just about what they did to one teacher after another."

Nancy said...

Thanks Elaine! That's fantastic.

Nancy said...

It had never occured to Coraline that the crazy old man upstairs actually had a name, she realized. If she'd known his name was Mr. Bobo she would have said it every chance she got. How often do you get to say a name like "Mr. Bobo" aloud?

From Coraline

Alison Fargis said...

Ferry Port Landing Asylum Patient List--1955

The Mad Hatter--diagnosis: schizophrenia
Chicken Little--diagnosis: panic attacks
Hansel--diagnosis: eating disorder (outpatient)
The White Rabbit--diagnosis: OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder; outpatient)
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe--diagnosis: exhaustion (outpatient)
Ichabod Crane--diagnosis: night terrors (outpatient)
Little Red Riding Hood--diagnosis: psychosis with delusions and hallucinations, homicidal tendencies

The Sisters Grimm: The Problem Child by Michael Buckley

Nancy said...

Alison, that's wonderful. Now I must read this book!


Erin said...

There we were, packed in a black tunnel - with a herd of bullies, one lantern, and a cave cricket who couldn't help lying.

~Horns and Wrinkles by Joseph Helgerson

Little Willow said...

Many quotes from ANNE OF GREEN GABLES by L.M. Montgomery:

If Marilla had said that Matthew had gone to Bright River to meet a kangaroo from Australia Mrs. Rachel could not have been more astonished.


If Marilla had said that Matthew had gone to Bright River to meet a kangaroo from Australia Mrs. Rachel could not have been more astonished.


Anne sat up, tragedy personified.

"Mrs. Lynde was up to see Mrs. Barry today and Mrs. Barry was in an awful state," she wailed. "She says that I set Diana DRUNK Saturday and sent her home in a disgraceful condition. And she says I must be a thoroughly bad, wicked little girl and she's never, never going to let Diana play with me again. Oh, Marilla, I'm just overcome with woe."


"How dare you say such things about me?" she repeated
vehemently. "How would you like to have such things said
about you? How would you like to be told that you are fat
and clumsy and probably hadn't a spark of imagination in
you? I don't care if I do hurt your feelings by saying so!
I hope I hurt them. You have hurt mine worse than they
were ever hurt before even by Mrs. Thomas' intoxicated
husband. And I'll NEVER forgive you for it, never, never!"

Little Willow said...

She was in a jug for the moment, and liking it extremely; she had never been in a jug before. - Peter Pan (TINK RULES!)

Little Willow said...

"Could those of us who aren't psychic at least get some subtitles?" - Blue Noon by Scott Westerfeld, Page 206

Nancy said...

runart said...
OK, so I guess I need to "officially" submit my entry here which I had mentioned yesterday. I would categorize it as "funniest" I suppose - to me it captures that spirit of childhood that Rowling seems to nail repeatedly. "I do solemnly swear I am up to no good." Harry Potter and the Prisoner Of Azkaban.

Nancy said...

Sparky the Happy Giraffe said...
I'm too late for the contest, I guess, but there was this book jacket for Patricia Wrede.
Something like: Its name was Killer and it stalked the forest. Of course it was only a rabbit. But then it metamorphosed into a blue donkey. Finally it became insubstantial.
P.Wrede has the best chapter titles, too.